RIP

****I should probably post a disclaimer about today's post.  I am writing from a place of sorrow and confusion today, so it may not have my normal amount of sarcasm and sass.  That being said, if you feel like reading, go on ahead, if you don't want to be bothered with any serious thought, I totally get it and I forgive you.



Today is a hard day for me, as it usually is when I hear news of someone's passing.

I am not like most people I know.  When celebrities die, a part of me dies.  Especially if I connected with them at some point in my life.  Now I don't mean that I met them and we were the best of friends, I mean that their work touched me and became a part of my life in some way.

I just heard the news that Prince died about an hour ago.  Purple Rain! I mean I am devastated.  I have honestly been crying this whole time.  There was a brief moment where I just stared at the wall, thinking that this was yet another celebrity hoax.  Unfortunately, the world wasn't that lucky.

I loved that man.  I remember hearing "When Doves Cry" for the first time and just crying at the beauty of his voice.  Him singing was so magical to me.  He could go from the lowest note in his register all the way to the highest note, hitting every. single. note. on the way up like it was a skill that every person on the planet has.  He was beautiful and amazing and I will miss him.  I'm listening to that first song of his I ever heard, right now, sob-singing and typing through blurred vision.

My entire life, I have always been too attached to celebrities and/or fictional characters.  (Please see post about Leo I did a few months ago, if you need a reference)  My argument is, how can you not be?  Did you not grow up watching their films, or hearing their songs, or reading their tales?  There is no way that I am the only person that I know who doesn't have a fond memory/ies of an actor, or a singer, or a book character/s.  There is absolutely no way!  SPOILER ALERT, but there is no way that you didn't cry in Harry Potter when Fred died, or when Snape died, or when fucking DOBBY, the sweetest house-elf to ever exist, who did wrong to no one, died.  There's just no way.  If you didn't you are a heartless monster, and I hate you.

I cannot stress enough to you all how attached I become.  I sincerely like celebrities more than I do people that are actually, physically in my life.  My poor family has had to deal with this my entire life.  The phone calls in the middle of the night of me sobbing hysterically, or the crazy amount of texts when I am spiraling out of control and refuse to leave my bed to eat, or shower, are too numerous to count.  When Frank Sinatra died, I was 7 years old.  I honestly think this is the first time I realized how much music and film influenced me.  I grew up listening to his music because of my parents, I even began thinking he was my grandfather at one point in my life.  I'm not insane, you see, my grandpa died when I was really young and I only have a handful of memories of Old Hank,  Grandpa Sinatra was always there whenever I needed him.  If I was sad, I'd pop in one of his CDs,  if I was really happy, I would do the same.  His music was a constant in my life, no matter how I felt.  I have since learned that he wasn't actually my grandfather, but I still feel connected to him as if he were.

There have been instances where, when a celebrity passes away that I shut the world out.  When I found out Heath Ledger died, I was at work.  I looked up at the TV to the news, fell to the ground, and started sobbing.  I grabbed my stuff and left work.  I didn't tell anyone, I just ran out.  I cried all night and disappeared to my room for a couple of days.  I still cannot watch any of his movies.  It's been 8 years and it still hurts.  I haven't even seen "The Dark Knight," because I'm still sad.  I know, I know, it's his best work.  That's what people have been telling me for years, but I just cannot watch it yet, okay?!

Losing people is never easy, and again, I KNOW I DIDN'T KNOW THEM PERSONALLY, but I knew their art.  Robin Williams, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, David Bowie, Prince, Alan Rickman, Maureen O'Hara, all of them in the past few years have gone.  It fucking sucks.  They were all such a big part of my life and who I am.  Their work shaped me, in some way or another, they allowed me to be my crazy, goofy, weird self and I thank all of them for it.

One day, I will be able to watch all their films, and listen to all their music without sadness consuming me.  Or maybe I won't.  Maybe I will forever be sad, who knows.  All I know is that my world was brighter for having them in it, sadness and all.

Rest In Paradise, my friends.  You shall always be missed.