Today is my birthday.
The last few years, I haven't really cared much about my birthday. At all. Especially since moving away from home. My family isn't around to celebrate with me, so I haven't really felt the need to celebrate it. I have some of the best friends in the world who force me to do things because they, and I quote, "Don't care about my depressing nonsense, we are having cake."
Growing up, I always made a huge deal about my birthday. I have an army of siblings, so having one day a year that was completely about me was amazing. My mom and I would always have a day together, usually a picnic since it was always so nice out. It was just always one of my most favorite day of the year.
As I have gotten older, things have changed. I started to see it as just another benchmark in my life reminding me that which I have yet to obtain. It reminded me that I was another year older, I didn't have any direction in life, and I am that much closer to death. I have stopped feeling that way. I realized that that isn't what birthdays are about. No one has it figured out, and I need to stop putting so much pressure on myself because I am the only person who can decide what is right for me and where I "need to be."
This year, though, I feel very differently.
I am heartbroken.
Not because I am another year older, but because there are 49 people that will never get this same chance.
I usually keep my mouth shut about politics, and the like, because no one wants to hear your opinions, especially if they differ from theirs. I also have been trying to find the right words. I don't think I will ever be able to say all that I feel.
But I honestly cannot take it anymore. Fourty-nine lives were lost. Not lost, stolen, by a person who was controlled by hatred. No, not a person. He doesn't deserve that title. A monster.
How?! How could you ever do that to another person, let alone 49?
I just don't understand. They did nothing wrong. The children of Sandy Hook did nothing wrong. The victims in Aurora were just trying to lose themselves in a Batman movie. Freddy Gray did nothing wrong. Tamir Rice did nothing wrong. The victims of Belgium, the victims of Paris, the people of Syria, did nothing wrong. None of these victims did anything wrong. All any of these people were doing was just living. That's it. Trying to be good people. Trying to make a difference, and lead respectable lives, and make their mark on the world. That's all anybody wants to do.
There is so much hatred in this world, and I don't understand it. I have been crying for days. Honestly. Every time I read an article, or see a picture, or a news clip; I lose it. It isn't fair. I know that "life's not fair," but this isn't what is meant. That means that someone more qualified than you got the job. It means that you didn't get the spot on the cheerleading squad because you messed up your footwork, but the other 10 girls didn't. It means that someone stole the parking spot that you were waiting for because they were quicker than you. It doesn't mean that your life is any less important than anyone else's. It doesn't mean that anyone deserves to have their life cut short because someone decides that they have a right to take it away from them.
One of my very best friends frequented that nightclub in Orlando. Luckily, he was not there this time, and I am thankful every day for that. Others are not so lucky. People now have to bury their sons, their daughters, their brothers, their sisters, their mothers, their fathers. What was once a safe haven for LGBT community members is now marred with sadness, hopelessness, and confusion. I, as well as millions of other Americans, are trying to make sense of what happened on June 12. No matter how hard I try, I don't think I will ever understand.
No one is born hating anything, except maybe brussel sprouts, and even then, YOU STILL TRY THEM TO MAKE SURE!!! How does anyone think that they have a right to dictate how someone else lives? I was raised to respect everyone, to respect their beliefs, especially if they differ from my own, to respect everyone's life for it is theirs to live how they want.
I was raised to love people for who they are.
I was not raised to hate.
This year, my birthday is not for me. It is for every single victim of gun violence.
Today, I celebrate your lives.
My heart is forever with all of you.
