****I should probably post a disclaimer about today's post. I am writing from a place of sorrow and confusion today, so it may not have my normal amount of sarcasm and sass. That being said, if you feel like reading, go on ahead, if you don't want to be bothered with any serious thought, I totally get it and I forgive you.
Today is a hard day for me, as it usually is when I hear news of someone's passing.
I am not like most people I know. When celebrities die, a part of me dies. Especially if I connected with them at some point in my life. Now I don't mean that I met them and we were the best of friends, I mean that their work touched me and became a part of my life in some way.
I just heard the news that Prince died about an hour ago. Purple Rain! I mean I am devastated. I have honestly been crying this whole time. There was a brief moment where I just stared at the wall, thinking that this was yet another celebrity hoax. Unfortunately, the world wasn't that lucky.
I loved that man. I remember hearing "When Doves Cry" for the first time and just crying at the beauty of his voice. Him singing was so magical to me. He could go from the lowest note in his register all the way to the highest note, hitting every. single. note. on the way up like it was a skill that every person on the planet has. He was beautiful and amazing and I will miss him. I'm listening to that first song of his I ever heard, right now, sob-singing and typing through blurred vision.
My entire life, I have always been too attached to celebrities and/or fictional characters. (Please see post about Leo I did a few months ago, if you need a reference) My argument is, how can you not be? Did you not grow up watching their films, or hearing their songs, or reading their tales? There is no way that I am the only person that I know who doesn't have a fond memory/ies of an actor, or a singer, or a book character/s. There is absolutely no way! SPOILER ALERT, but there is no way that you didn't cry in Harry Potter when Fred died, or when Snape died, or when fucking DOBBY, the sweetest house-elf to ever exist, who did wrong to no one, died. There's just no way. If you didn't you are a heartless monster, and I hate you.
I cannot stress enough to you all how attached I become. I sincerely like celebrities more than I do people that are actually, physically in my life. My poor family has had to deal with this my entire life. The phone calls in the middle of the night of me sobbing hysterically, or the crazy amount of texts when I am spiraling out of control and refuse to leave my bed to eat, or shower, are too numerous to count. When Frank Sinatra died, I was 7 years old. I honestly think this is the first time I realized how much music and film influenced me. I grew up listening to his music because of my parents, I even began thinking he was my grandfather at one point in my life. I'm not insane, you see, my grandpa died when I was really young and I only have a handful of memories of Old Hank, Grandpa Sinatra was always there whenever I needed him. If I was sad, I'd pop in one of his CDs, if I was really happy, I would do the same. His music was a constant in my life, no matter how I felt. I have since learned that he wasn't actually my grandfather, but I still feel connected to him as if he were.
There have been instances where, when a celebrity passes away that I shut the world out. When I found out Heath Ledger died, I was at work. I looked up at the TV to the news, fell to the ground, and started sobbing. I grabbed my stuff and left work. I didn't tell anyone, I just ran out. I cried all night and disappeared to my room for a couple of days. I still cannot watch any of his movies. It's been 8 years and it still hurts. I haven't even seen "The Dark Knight," because I'm still sad. I know, I know, it's his best work. That's what people have been telling me for years, but I just cannot watch it yet, okay?!
Losing people is never easy, and again, I KNOW I DIDN'T KNOW THEM PERSONALLY, but I knew their art. Robin Williams, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, David Bowie, Prince, Alan Rickman, Maureen O'Hara, all of them in the past few years have gone. It fucking sucks. They were all such a big part of my life and who I am. Their work shaped me, in some way or another, they allowed me to be my crazy, goofy, weird self and I thank all of them for it.
One day, I will be able to watch all their films, and listen to all their music without sadness consuming me. Or maybe I won't. Maybe I will forever be sad, who knows. All I know is that my world was brighter for having them in it, sadness and all.
Rest In Paradise, my friends. You shall always be missed.
Thursday, April 21, 2016
Thursday, April 14, 2016
A game, is, the foot.
I spent the first hour of my shift at work on Tuesday, daydreaming about quitting my job, packing up my cat and roommate, and driving across the country to start a new life.
While, yes, this is a thought I have on a weekly basis, it was also really slow that day.
Two of my friends/co-workers and I then decided to play a game of hypotheticals to distract ourselves from the negative thoughts in our heads. For 4 hours. It passed the time really well, and let us all get to know each other a little better. It was a lot of fun. So, I have decided to share with the world, what exactly it is that I, and most service workers, do with our lives. None of this is exaggerated, I took very detailed notes. Oh and by service workers, I mean we work in a restaurant. We aren't prostitutes. Well, kind of.
Feel free to try this out the next time you are bored. Or don't, I couldn't care less.
Names have been changed to protect identities.
Ps, they chose their own code names.
Me = Me, obviously
Lestadt (L)= Man
Bloo (B) = Woman
Question 1: If you could live the rest of your life as any celebrity, past or present, who would you choose?
Me: Uhhhhh, Tina Fey, I think. Yeah, she's amazing. Her.
Lestadt: Brad Pitt. No, Tupac. I know he got shot at 26, but still.
Me: Oooooo, "Fight Club" era Brad Pitt? Yes please.
Bloo: I would definitely be Beyoncé. Forever. No question.
Question 2: What celebrity would you sleep with? You have to pick a man and a woman.
B: Man, Chris Brown. The answer is always Chris Brown. Woman, Megan Fox, she's so hot.
Me: Leo, OBVIOUSLY, and Rihanna.
L: Rihanna. Only Rihanna. I am not picking a dude.
Me: You gotta, that's how the game works!
*He didn't, we moved on.
Question 3: Growing up, and don't act like we all didn't have one, what cartoon were you the most attracted to?
Me: Oh this is embarrassing! Teenage Simba, Robin Hood, like the fox version, and Peter Pan.
B: Hmmm, grown up Simba was hot, and so manly. Aladdin, definitely. I was convinced I would grow up and marry him. Hercules, too, he was gorgeous.
L: I had a huge crush on the lady fox from Robin Hood, and Princess Jasmine.
Me: Maid Marian, good choice, but why are we so attracted to literal foxes? Also, slave Jasmine? Or all of the time Jasmine?
L: Oh God, any Jasmine.
Me: Is it hot in here? I'm getting very warm.
B: Girl!
L: Hahaha, you guys are getting more excited about cartoons than you did the real people.
Question 4: Who gave you your first sexual feelings?
Me: Raphael from the Ninja Turtles. I legit thought he was my soul mate for a few years.
L: I remember being in a thrift store when I was a kid and seeing an old issue of Sports Illustrated with Elle Macpherson on the cover. She was wearing this fishnet bathing suit thing and all I could think of was, "Oh my god, tehe that's her nipple."
B: Uhhhh, let me get back to you. (She never did, she got distracted with actual work. I KNOW. So, we just moved on to the next question.)
Question 5: Pick a professional athlete to bone.
B: Fuck, I can't choose. There are so many I am attracted to. I don't wanna play anymore. My head hurts. Come back to me!
L: Mia Hamm in her prime was hot. There was also this Russian Track runner I saw on tv once who had a big butt, but I never learned her name.
Me: Hmmmm, Odell Beckham, Jr. Or Doug McDermott. Or, Andre Drummond.
L: NO! I know mine. Anna Kournikova.
Me//B: We knew you'd pick her.
Question 6: If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?
L: Tahiti. In one of those houses that are on stilts in the water with the glass floors so you can just watch the water.
B: The Canary Islands wearing Canary yellow diamonds.
Me: There is this tiny village in Switzerland, at the base of the Matterhorn, I can't remember the name of it but it starts with a 'Z,' I think. It's perfect and snowy and cozy and I just want to sit in my cottage, reading next to a fire.
B: No, that's too cold. Never.
Question 7: If you were free from all punishment, what crime would you commit?
B: MURDER. No, don't put that. I would rob the richest bank in the world.
L: I would rob Fort Knox.
Me: Honestly? I would punch Donald Trump square in the fucking face. Just beat the shit out of him. Not kill him, though. I want him to live the rest of his life knowing that a "lowly woman" beat the ever living piss out of him.
B: I wouldn't want to waste mine on Trump. I need money. It makes my world go round baby!
L: Becca, I know what you should do. Break into Leo's house and install cameras so you can see him forever.
Me: I'm no stalker. Punch Trump.
B: I changed mine! I would murder every owner of every Major League Soccer team, take control of FIFA, and then have money forever.
Me: ....well I know never to cross you.
Question 8: If you could live in any decade, which would you choose?
Me: Am I a man or a woman in this scenario?
L: You're you.
Me: So, a woman. This one. Definitely this one.
L: I don't know, the "Roaring Twenties?" That sounds nice, ladies drinking and smoking?
Me: Don't forget the rampant sexism and inequality. Is that what you would choose? The twenties?
L: No, the '70s, I think.
B: I would be a teen in the late '80s early '90s. The hip hop era. Where they danced like this, ***she then proceeds to violently hump the air*** That's where I need to be.
L: I would be at Woodstock and at Studio 54.
Me: I honestly think I would pick the early '40s. Wartime was eerily beautiful, don't get me wrong it was tragic and sad, but beautiful. There's this romanticism surrounding it for me.
B: That's only fun if you're white, and a man.
Me: I look white, I'd be okay. Maybe.
B: No, you have that curly, curly hair and look Puerto Rican. I think you'd be shit out of luck.
L: And you're Native American.
B: Yeah you've got Indian in you. No Bueno. This question is not great for you and me.
Me: CRAP DAMNIT!
Question 9: If you were an animal, what would you be?
Me: I hate this question, because no matter what I pick, everyone says, "No, you'd definitely be a panda." This has been an ongoing theme in my life.
B: No. I wouldn't say panda, I would say like a panther or a snow leopard or something like that. You have an attitude, but you aren't mean.
Me: I would say an Ostrich. A big ass bird that can't even bird. That's me.
B: I'd be a lion, but a male lion. Not a girl lion. I want the mane. I don't want to be a girl lion!
L: I'd be an otter. They sure do look like they have a lot of fun those otters.
Question 10: If you had to pick between flight or invisibility, which would you pick?
Me: Fuck! This is hard.
B: I need time. I need to think. Come back to me.
L: Flight, because if I ever wanted to be alone, I could just fly off and be like "BYE." Plus, I have always wanted to fly.
Me: Invisibility. I don't know if you know this, but I do a lot of awkward things. So, if I ever got embarrassed, I could literally disappear before your eyes. Which, let's be honest, I have needed to do before but couldn't. Plus, I would be the UNDENIABLE WORLD CHAMPION of Hide-and-Seek. That's pretty fucking awesome.
L: It would be pretty sweet to get on an elevator and fart as loud as you wanted to. Plus, you could see everyone you wanted to naked. Everyone on this list.
B: I pick invisibility. You could commit so many crimes.
Me: What is wrong with us that we pick things solely for the acts of depravity we can commit?
That is everything. We only got through 10 questions because we all still had to be adults and do our work. It isn't all bad though, we got paid to dick around all night, which is pretty awesome. I should also probably say, that I am the one in charge every shift. I don't know why my boss thought THAT was a good idea.
While, yes, this is a thought I have on a weekly basis, it was also really slow that day.
Two of my friends/co-workers and I then decided to play a game of hypotheticals to distract ourselves from the negative thoughts in our heads. For 4 hours. It passed the time really well, and let us all get to know each other a little better. It was a lot of fun. So, I have decided to share with the world, what exactly it is that I, and most service workers, do with our lives. None of this is exaggerated, I took very detailed notes. Oh and by service workers, I mean we work in a restaurant. We aren't prostitutes. Well, kind of.
Feel free to try this out the next time you are bored. Or don't, I couldn't care less.
Names have been changed to protect identities.
Ps, they chose their own code names.
Me = Me, obviously
Lestadt (L)= Man
Bloo (B) = Woman
Question 1: If you could live the rest of your life as any celebrity, past or present, who would you choose?
Me: Uhhhhh, Tina Fey, I think. Yeah, she's amazing. Her.
Lestadt: Brad Pitt. No, Tupac. I know he got shot at 26, but still.
Me: Oooooo, "Fight Club" era Brad Pitt? Yes please.
Bloo: I would definitely be Beyoncé. Forever. No question.
Question 2: What celebrity would you sleep with? You have to pick a man and a woman.
B: Man, Chris Brown. The answer is always Chris Brown. Woman, Megan Fox, she's so hot.
Me: Leo, OBVIOUSLY, and Rihanna.
L: Rihanna. Only Rihanna. I am not picking a dude.
Me: You gotta, that's how the game works!
*He didn't, we moved on.
Question 3: Growing up, and don't act like we all didn't have one, what cartoon were you the most attracted to?
Me: Oh this is embarrassing! Teenage Simba, Robin Hood, like the fox version, and Peter Pan.
B: Hmmm, grown up Simba was hot, and so manly. Aladdin, definitely. I was convinced I would grow up and marry him. Hercules, too, he was gorgeous.
L: I had a huge crush on the lady fox from Robin Hood, and Princess Jasmine.
Me: Maid Marian, good choice, but why are we so attracted to literal foxes? Also, slave Jasmine? Or all of the time Jasmine?
L: Oh God, any Jasmine.
Me: Is it hot in here? I'm getting very warm.
B: Girl!
L: Hahaha, you guys are getting more excited about cartoons than you did the real people.
Question 4: Who gave you your first sexual feelings?
Me: Raphael from the Ninja Turtles. I legit thought he was my soul mate for a few years.
L: I remember being in a thrift store when I was a kid and seeing an old issue of Sports Illustrated with Elle Macpherson on the cover. She was wearing this fishnet bathing suit thing and all I could think of was, "Oh my god, tehe that's her nipple."
B: Uhhhh, let me get back to you. (She never did, she got distracted with actual work. I KNOW. So, we just moved on to the next question.)
Question 5: Pick a professional athlete to bone.
B: Fuck, I can't choose. There are so many I am attracted to. I don't wanna play anymore. My head hurts. Come back to me!
L: Mia Hamm in her prime was hot. There was also this Russian Track runner I saw on tv once who had a big butt, but I never learned her name.
Me: Hmmmm, Odell Beckham, Jr. Or Doug McDermott. Or, Andre Drummond.
L: NO! I know mine. Anna Kournikova.
Me//B: We knew you'd pick her.
Question 6: If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?
L: Tahiti. In one of those houses that are on stilts in the water with the glass floors so you can just watch the water.
B: The Canary Islands wearing Canary yellow diamonds.
Me: There is this tiny village in Switzerland, at the base of the Matterhorn, I can't remember the name of it but it starts with a 'Z,' I think. It's perfect and snowy and cozy and I just want to sit in my cottage, reading next to a fire.
B: No, that's too cold. Never.
Question 7: If you were free from all punishment, what crime would you commit?
B: MURDER. No, don't put that. I would rob the richest bank in the world.
L: I would rob Fort Knox.
Me: Honestly? I would punch Donald Trump square in the fucking face. Just beat the shit out of him. Not kill him, though. I want him to live the rest of his life knowing that a "lowly woman" beat the ever living piss out of him.
B: I wouldn't want to waste mine on Trump. I need money. It makes my world go round baby!
L: Becca, I know what you should do. Break into Leo's house and install cameras so you can see him forever.
Me: I'm no stalker. Punch Trump.
B: I changed mine! I would murder every owner of every Major League Soccer team, take control of FIFA, and then have money forever.
Me: ....well I know never to cross you.
Question 8: If you could live in any decade, which would you choose?
Me: Am I a man or a woman in this scenario?
L: You're you.
Me: So, a woman. This one. Definitely this one.
L: I don't know, the "Roaring Twenties?" That sounds nice, ladies drinking and smoking?
Me: Don't forget the rampant sexism and inequality. Is that what you would choose? The twenties?
L: No, the '70s, I think.
B: I would be a teen in the late '80s early '90s. The hip hop era. Where they danced like this, ***she then proceeds to violently hump the air*** That's where I need to be.
L: I would be at Woodstock and at Studio 54.
Me: I honestly think I would pick the early '40s. Wartime was eerily beautiful, don't get me wrong it was tragic and sad, but beautiful. There's this romanticism surrounding it for me.
B: That's only fun if you're white, and a man.
Me: I look white, I'd be okay. Maybe.
B: No, you have that curly, curly hair and look Puerto Rican. I think you'd be shit out of luck.
L: And you're Native American.
B: Yeah you've got Indian in you. No Bueno. This question is not great for you and me.
Me: CRAP DAMNIT!
Question 9: If you were an animal, what would you be?
Me: I hate this question, because no matter what I pick, everyone says, "No, you'd definitely be a panda." This has been an ongoing theme in my life.
B: No. I wouldn't say panda, I would say like a panther or a snow leopard or something like that. You have an attitude, but you aren't mean.
Me: I would say an Ostrich. A big ass bird that can't even bird. That's me.
B: I'd be a lion, but a male lion. Not a girl lion. I want the mane. I don't want to be a girl lion!
L: I'd be an otter. They sure do look like they have a lot of fun those otters.
Question 10: If you had to pick between flight or invisibility, which would you pick?
Me: Fuck! This is hard.
B: I need time. I need to think. Come back to me.
L: Flight, because if I ever wanted to be alone, I could just fly off and be like "BYE." Plus, I have always wanted to fly.
Me: Invisibility. I don't know if you know this, but I do a lot of awkward things. So, if I ever got embarrassed, I could literally disappear before your eyes. Which, let's be honest, I have needed to do before but couldn't. Plus, I would be the UNDENIABLE WORLD CHAMPION of Hide-and-Seek. That's pretty fucking awesome.
L: It would be pretty sweet to get on an elevator and fart as loud as you wanted to. Plus, you could see everyone you wanted to naked. Everyone on this list.
B: I pick invisibility. You could commit so many crimes.
Me: What is wrong with us that we pick things solely for the acts of depravity we can commit?
That is everything. We only got through 10 questions because we all still had to be adults and do our work. It isn't all bad though, we got paid to dick around all night, which is pretty awesome. I should also probably say, that I am the one in charge every shift. I don't know why my boss thought THAT was a good idea.
Monday, April 11, 2016
Writer's Block
I honestly have no inspiration today.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO TALK ABOUT!
Normally I just sit down on my living room floor, grab my laptop, and get to writing about whatever is in my head. No plans, just writing. Today, there is nothing.
AB. SO. LUTE. LY. NO. THING.
I sat in front of this goddamn screen for over an hour. Just staring. I think that I definitely caused some damage to my retinas waiting for an inspiring thought that never came.
Maybe I am tired. I mean I did take a 2 hour angry nap today because I got extremely pissed off this afternoon. What is an angry nap, you ask? It is kind of like a normal nap, but you get so mad that you ended up tiring yourself out, like a toddler, so you nap away the anger. Which didn't really help, because when my roommate woke me up so we could go to the movies, I was still angry. I wasn't even happy about the snacks I bought at concessions. I got nachos, and I didn't even enjoy them. I only get excited about a few things in this life: dinosaurs, books, movies, and food. That's it. Am I dying?
I mean, I turned off my phone today and left it at home because I was so angry. It was actually kind of freeing.
Maybe I'm depressed, like in a dramatic sense, not the literal sense because that is a very real and horrible mental illness and it is not something to be taken lightly.
Maybe I have just exhausted every thought in my head and peaked the minute I started this blog. I feel that that is impossible because I usually can't even sleep at night because I'm thinking about so many different things. Like, the fact that when you touch anything with your tongue, you're not touching, but tasting. HOW CRAZY IS THAT?!
Maybe my bad mood from earlier has just made me spiral out of control. Ugh, and if I have to hear one more person say, "be happy, it isn't so bad. Someone out there has it worse than you," I will lose my fucking mind. I get it, there are homeless people living under bridges, and there are starving children that have no idea when they will have their next meal. SHUT UP! I get it, but that doesn't diminish the fact that I had a bad day. No one gets to tell me how I feel about something, because it's HOW I FEEL YOU ASSHAT!
If you are reading this, please, PLEASE don't ever be that person. No one likes that person. It's worse than the person who is always fucking chipper at 8 am and has to tell everyone about their weekend. Stop it, Linda. No one cares.
I honestly am just over being an adult today.
I'll try again tomorrow.
Rebecca's Adulthood Survival Tip #9: Sometimes, you just gotta go off the grid. Be like Ron Swanson, no phone, just you in your cabin in the woods with some whiskey. Or, be like me and scream until you pass out and wake up in a puddle of your own drool. Or whatever works for you.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO TALK ABOUT!
Normally I just sit down on my living room floor, grab my laptop, and get to writing about whatever is in my head. No plans, just writing. Today, there is nothing.
AB. SO. LUTE. LY. NO. THING.
I sat in front of this goddamn screen for over an hour. Just staring. I think that I definitely caused some damage to my retinas waiting for an inspiring thought that never came.
Maybe I am tired. I mean I did take a 2 hour angry nap today because I got extremely pissed off this afternoon. What is an angry nap, you ask? It is kind of like a normal nap, but you get so mad that you ended up tiring yourself out, like a toddler, so you nap away the anger. Which didn't really help, because when my roommate woke me up so we could go to the movies, I was still angry. I wasn't even happy about the snacks I bought at concessions. I got nachos, and I didn't even enjoy them. I only get excited about a few things in this life: dinosaurs, books, movies, and food. That's it. Am I dying?
I mean, I turned off my phone today and left it at home because I was so angry. It was actually kind of freeing.
Maybe I'm depressed, like in a dramatic sense, not the literal sense because that is a very real and horrible mental illness and it is not something to be taken lightly.
Maybe I have just exhausted every thought in my head and peaked the minute I started this blog. I feel that that is impossible because I usually can't even sleep at night because I'm thinking about so many different things. Like, the fact that when you touch anything with your tongue, you're not touching, but tasting. HOW CRAZY IS THAT?!
Maybe my bad mood from earlier has just made me spiral out of control. Ugh, and if I have to hear one more person say, "be happy, it isn't so bad. Someone out there has it worse than you," I will lose my fucking mind. I get it, there are homeless people living under bridges, and there are starving children that have no idea when they will have their next meal. SHUT UP! I get it, but that doesn't diminish the fact that I had a bad day. No one gets to tell me how I feel about something, because it's HOW I FEEL YOU ASSHAT!
If you are reading this, please, PLEASE don't ever be that person. No one likes that person. It's worse than the person who is always fucking chipper at 8 am and has to tell everyone about their weekend. Stop it, Linda. No one cares.
I honestly am just over being an adult today.
I'll try again tomorrow.
Rebecca's Adulthood Survival Tip #9: Sometimes, you just gotta go off the grid. Be like Ron Swanson, no phone, just you in your cabin in the woods with some whiskey. Or, be like me and scream until you pass out and wake up in a puddle of your own drool. Or whatever works for you.
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
Independence Shmindependence
I have decided to take a break from talking about my most embarrassing moments. Not because I don't enjoy sharing them, but because it's my blog and I can do what I want.
Don't you all worry, I still have plenty of embarrassment to share, they will just be scattered throughout the blog whenever I feel like talking about them.
Now that that is covered, let us move on.
When I finally moved out of my mom's house after I graduated college, I felt so free.
I lived alone.
I could come home whenever I wanted to and not have to worry about waking up my roommates. I never wore pants. I watched Harry Potter and the Lord of the Rings on repeat, quoting every line perfectly, and I didn't have to listen to my sisters yelling at me to shut up. I could listen to and choreograph dances to Broadway showtunes without judgement. My books found a safe home without fear of being creased. It was honestly one of the most amazing times in my life.
I had never lived alone before, so I really didn't know what to expect. Having 5 siblings meant that I always had to share a room with someone. In college, I had multiple roommates. This was the first time in my life in which I was completely alone, and there was no turning back for me.
This was my first taste of independence. A lot of people think that college is your first real independent experience, but I never felt that way. You see, my brother and I went to the same college, so I never really felt like I was on my own.
Independence came to me when I moved down the road from my mom. Literally down the road. Other than the house number, our addresses were exactly the same.
Anyway, things were great in my apartment. I felt so good about myself. I always knew that I would do well on my own, and now I had the proof. Everything was perfect until, one afternoon, I decided to go and get groceries.
In one of the bags was a delicious snack. A gloriously large jar of kosher dill pickles. This jar, very quickly, became my enemy.
I couldn't open it.
I tried every trick in the book. I used a dry towel to get a good grip on the jar. Didn't work. I tapped the edge of the lid on the counter, rotating as needed. Didn't work. I used a bottle opener to try and wedge it open. Didn't work. I burst into tears, pleading with it about how hungry I was. Didn't work.
Crying over a jar of unopened pickles. What had I become?
I had this stubborn fuck of a jar sitting in my fridge for 2 weeks, taunting me. Multiple times a day I would open the door and just see it staring back at me, with it's dumb face.
(I drew a face on it at one point because I had clearly gone insane, and saw a jar of pickles as my enemy. Figured I needed to make it as dramatic as possible because of who I am as a person.)
I couldn't do anything about it, I felt helpless. I contemplated asking my best friend, who is 200 pounds of pure beefy muscle, to open it, but I felt that that would mean I wasn't as independent as I thought. Also, he hates pickles and if I had to listen to him complain about getting covered in pickle juice, I would have thrown the whole jar at him. It got to the point where I almost put it in my sink and smashed it with a hammer. I contemplated eating glass shard ridden pickles just so this jar didn't win! It was in that moment, that I knew it already had.
I caved.
I called my dad crying because I couldn't open it. No matter what I did, it wouldn't open. He told me he would come help, so he ended up driving 30 minutes to my apartment solely to open a jar of pickles. He walked into the apartment to find me curled up on the kitchen floor clutching a gigantic jar of pickles, crying. He didn't say a word. He just picked up the jar, opened it WITH ZERO FUCKING EFFORT, put the jar back into my arms, and left. Angered, I screamed, "I LOOSENED IT FOR YOU!" as he walked out the door.
Rebecca's Adulthood Survival Tip #8: Being independent does not mean you still don't need help every once in a while. You are still a strong, independent person, even if you have to call your parents crying about a jar of pickles you can't open. Just don't call your siblings, they WILL make fun of you and won't be of any help at all.
Don't you all worry, I still have plenty of embarrassment to share, they will just be scattered throughout the blog whenever I feel like talking about them.
Now that that is covered, let us move on.
When I finally moved out of my mom's house after I graduated college, I felt so free.
I lived alone.
I could come home whenever I wanted to and not have to worry about waking up my roommates. I never wore pants. I watched Harry Potter and the Lord of the Rings on repeat, quoting every line perfectly, and I didn't have to listen to my sisters yelling at me to shut up. I could listen to and choreograph dances to Broadway showtunes without judgement. My books found a safe home without fear of being creased. It was honestly one of the most amazing times in my life.
I had never lived alone before, so I really didn't know what to expect. Having 5 siblings meant that I always had to share a room with someone. In college, I had multiple roommates. This was the first time in my life in which I was completely alone, and there was no turning back for me.
This was my first taste of independence. A lot of people think that college is your first real independent experience, but I never felt that way. You see, my brother and I went to the same college, so I never really felt like I was on my own.
Independence came to me when I moved down the road from my mom. Literally down the road. Other than the house number, our addresses were exactly the same.
Anyway, things were great in my apartment. I felt so good about myself. I always knew that I would do well on my own, and now I had the proof. Everything was perfect until, one afternoon, I decided to go and get groceries.
In one of the bags was a delicious snack. A gloriously large jar of kosher dill pickles. This jar, very quickly, became my enemy.
I couldn't open it.
I tried every trick in the book. I used a dry towel to get a good grip on the jar. Didn't work. I tapped the edge of the lid on the counter, rotating as needed. Didn't work. I used a bottle opener to try and wedge it open. Didn't work. I burst into tears, pleading with it about how hungry I was. Didn't work.
Crying over a jar of unopened pickles. What had I become?
I had this stubborn fuck of a jar sitting in my fridge for 2 weeks, taunting me. Multiple times a day I would open the door and just see it staring back at me, with it's dumb face.
(I drew a face on it at one point because I had clearly gone insane, and saw a jar of pickles as my enemy. Figured I needed to make it as dramatic as possible because of who I am as a person.)
I couldn't do anything about it, I felt helpless. I contemplated asking my best friend, who is 200 pounds of pure beefy muscle, to open it, but I felt that that would mean I wasn't as independent as I thought. Also, he hates pickles and if I had to listen to him complain about getting covered in pickle juice, I would have thrown the whole jar at him. It got to the point where I almost put it in my sink and smashed it with a hammer. I contemplated eating glass shard ridden pickles just so this jar didn't win! It was in that moment, that I knew it already had.
I caved.
I called my dad crying because I couldn't open it. No matter what I did, it wouldn't open. He told me he would come help, so he ended up driving 30 minutes to my apartment solely to open a jar of pickles. He walked into the apartment to find me curled up on the kitchen floor clutching a gigantic jar of pickles, crying. He didn't say a word. He just picked up the jar, opened it WITH ZERO FUCKING EFFORT, put the jar back into my arms, and left. Angered, I screamed, "I LOOSENED IT FOR YOU!" as he walked out the door.
Rebecca's Adulthood Survival Tip #8: Being independent does not mean you still don't need help every once in a while. You are still a strong, independent person, even if you have to call your parents crying about a jar of pickles you can't open. Just don't call your siblings, they WILL make fun of you and won't be of any help at all.
Friday, April 1, 2016
Apologies, my dudes.
I just wanted to take a minute and apologize to you all.
I am so sorry for not posting for a couple of weeks. I was experiencing technical difficulties with my blog/ computer, so I was unable to share anything with you. It was annoying, inconvenient, and nearly made me develop stress eczema.
I have no idea what was going on, but basically any time I logged in, my computer responded like it was going to explode.
I have fixed it, so I shan't be disappearing again.*
Note* I did not acutally fix anything, I don't know how to fix computers, but I did bypass the problem. If there is anything I have learned from trying to be an adult, it is how to ignore problems long enough that you convince yourself that nothing was ever wrong in the first place.
I am so sorry for not posting for a couple of weeks. I was experiencing technical difficulties with my blog/ computer, so I was unable to share anything with you. It was annoying, inconvenient, and nearly made me develop stress eczema.
I have no idea what was going on, but basically any time I logged in, my computer responded like it was going to explode.
I have fixed it, so I shan't be disappearing again.*
Note* I did not acutally fix anything, I don't know how to fix computers, but I did bypass the problem. If there is anything I have learned from trying to be an adult, it is how to ignore problems long enough that you convince yourself that nothing was ever wrong in the first place.
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