I spent the first hour of my shift at work on Tuesday, daydreaming about quitting my job, packing up my cat and roommate, and driving across the country to start a new life.
While, yes, this is a thought I have on a weekly basis, it was also really slow that day.
Two of my friends/co-workers and I then decided to play a game of hypotheticals to distract ourselves from the negative thoughts in our heads. For 4 hours. It passed the time really well, and let us all get to know each other a little better. It was a lot of fun. So, I have decided to share with the world, what exactly it is that I, and most service workers, do with our lives. None of this is exaggerated, I took very detailed notes. Oh and by service workers, I mean we work in a restaurant. We aren't prostitutes. Well, kind of.
Feel free to try this out the next time you are bored. Or don't, I couldn't care less.
Names have been changed to protect identities.
Ps, they chose their own code names.
Me = Me, obviously
Lestadt (L)= Man
Bloo (B) = Woman
Question 1: If you could live the rest of your life as any celebrity, past or present, who would you choose?
Me: Uhhhhh, Tina Fey, I think. Yeah, she's amazing. Her.
Lestadt: Brad Pitt. No, Tupac. I know he got shot at 26, but still.
Me: Oooooo, "Fight Club" era Brad Pitt? Yes please.
Bloo: I would definitely be Beyoncé. Forever. No question.
Question 2: What celebrity would you sleep with? You have to pick a man and a woman.
B: Man, Chris Brown. The answer is always Chris Brown. Woman, Megan Fox, she's so hot.
Me: Leo, OBVIOUSLY, and Rihanna.
L: Rihanna. Only Rihanna. I am not picking a dude.
Me: You gotta, that's how the game works!
*He didn't, we moved on.
Question 3: Growing up, and don't act like we all didn't have one, what cartoon were you the most attracted to?
Me: Oh this is embarrassing! Teenage Simba, Robin Hood, like the fox version, and Peter Pan.
B: Hmmm, grown up Simba was hot, and so manly. Aladdin, definitely. I was convinced I would grow up and marry him. Hercules, too, he was gorgeous.
L: I had a huge crush on the lady fox from Robin Hood, and Princess Jasmine.
Me: Maid Marian, good choice, but why are we so attracted to literal foxes? Also, slave Jasmine? Or all of the time Jasmine?
L: Oh God, any Jasmine.
Me: Is it hot in here? I'm getting very warm.
B: Girl!
L: Hahaha, you guys are getting more excited about cartoons than you did the real people.
Question 4: Who gave you your first sexual feelings?
Me: Raphael from the Ninja Turtles. I legit thought he was my soul mate for a few years.
L: I remember being in a thrift store when I was a kid and seeing an old issue of Sports Illustrated with Elle Macpherson on the cover. She was wearing this fishnet bathing suit thing and all I could think of was, "Oh my god, tehe that's her nipple."
B: Uhhhh, let me get back to you. (She never did, she got distracted with actual work. I KNOW. So, we just moved on to the next question.)
Question 5: Pick a professional athlete to bone.
B: Fuck, I can't choose. There are so many I am attracted to. I don't wanna play anymore. My head hurts. Come back to me!
L: Mia Hamm in her prime was hot. There was also this Russian Track runner I saw on tv once who had a big butt, but I never learned her name.
Me: Hmmmm, Odell Beckham, Jr. Or Doug McDermott. Or, Andre Drummond.
L: NO! I know mine. Anna Kournikova.
Me//B: We knew you'd pick her.
Question 6: If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?
L: Tahiti. In one of those houses that are on stilts in the water with the glass floors so you can just watch the water.
B: The Canary Islands wearing Canary yellow diamonds.
Me: There is this tiny village in Switzerland, at the base of the Matterhorn, I can't remember the name of it but it starts with a 'Z,' I think. It's perfect and snowy and cozy and I just want to sit in my cottage, reading next to a fire.
B: No, that's too cold. Never.
Question 7: If you were free from all punishment, what crime would you commit?
B: MURDER. No, don't put that. I would rob the richest bank in the world.
L: I would rob Fort Knox.
Me: Honestly? I would punch Donald Trump square in the fucking face. Just beat the shit out of him. Not kill him, though. I want him to live the rest of his life knowing that a "lowly woman" beat the ever living piss out of him.
B: I wouldn't want to waste mine on Trump. I need money. It makes my world go round baby!
L: Becca, I know what you should do. Break into Leo's house and install cameras so you can see him forever.
Me: I'm no stalker. Punch Trump.
B: I changed mine! I would murder every owner of every Major League Soccer team, take control of FIFA, and then have money forever.
Me: ....well I know never to cross you.
Question 8: If you could live in any decade, which would you choose?
Me: Am I a man or a woman in this scenario?
L: You're you.
Me: So, a woman. This one. Definitely this one.
L: I don't know, the "Roaring Twenties?" That sounds nice, ladies drinking and smoking?
Me: Don't forget the rampant sexism and inequality. Is that what you would choose? The twenties?
L: No, the '70s, I think.
B: I would be a teen in the late '80s early '90s. The hip hop era. Where they danced like this, ***she then proceeds to violently hump the air*** That's where I need to be.
L: I would be at Woodstock and at Studio 54.
Me: I honestly think I would pick the early '40s. Wartime was eerily beautiful, don't get me wrong it was tragic and sad, but beautiful. There's this romanticism surrounding it for me.
B: That's only fun if you're white, and a man.
Me: I look white, I'd be okay. Maybe.
B: No, you have that curly, curly hair and look Puerto Rican. I think you'd be shit out of luck.
L: And you're Native American.
B: Yeah you've got Indian in you. No Bueno. This question is not great for you and me.
Me: CRAP DAMNIT!
Question 9: If you were an animal, what would you be?
Me: I hate this question, because no matter what I pick, everyone says, "No, you'd definitely be a panda." This has been an ongoing theme in my life.
B: No. I wouldn't say panda, I would say like a panther or a snow leopard or something like that. You have an attitude, but you aren't mean.
Me: I would say an Ostrich. A big ass bird that can't even bird. That's me.
B: I'd be a lion, but a male lion. Not a girl lion. I want the mane. I don't want to be a girl lion!
L: I'd be an otter. They sure do look like they have a lot of fun those otters.
Question 10: If you had to pick between flight or invisibility, which would you pick?
Me: Fuck! This is hard.
B: I need time. I need to think. Come back to me.
L: Flight, because if I ever wanted to be alone, I could just fly off and be like "BYE." Plus, I have always wanted to fly.
Me: Invisibility. I don't know if you know this, but I do a lot of awkward things. So, if I ever got embarrassed, I could literally disappear before your eyes. Which, let's be honest, I have needed to do before but couldn't. Plus, I would be the UNDENIABLE WORLD CHAMPION of Hide-and-Seek. That's pretty fucking awesome.
L: It would be pretty sweet to get on an elevator and fart as loud as you wanted to. Plus, you could see everyone you wanted to naked. Everyone on this list.
B: I pick invisibility. You could commit so many crimes.
Me: What is wrong with us that we pick things solely for the acts of depravity we can commit?
That is everything. We only got through 10 questions because we all still had to be adults and do our work. It isn't all bad though, we got paid to dick around all night, which is pretty awesome. I should also probably say, that I am the one in charge every shift. I don't know why my boss thought THAT was a good idea.
No comments:
Post a Comment