Roof Stoof

I joined the gym today.

I have been wanting to do it for some time now, but I am lazy and never felt like actually going.

It was a terrible experience from the second I stepped in the door, until I walked out of it.

I don't mean that "ugh, I hate working out, everything sucks, and I'm dying." Those were my thoughts, the entire time, but I mean that I'm an embarrassing person.  I also have only gone to the gym by myself, twice in my entire life.  The second of which was today.  It is one of my irrational fears.  I don't know why I am so scared of it, I just am.  Shut up.  Don't judge me.

It was a rough day.

Let me start this off by saying that four years ago, with the help of my psycho best friend/trainer I worked my ass off, literally.  I worked out nearly every day, ate like a rabbit, and lost nearly 60 pounds.  It was the worst, yet most rewarding, experience of my life.  After losing that weight, I took some time off from working out because I finally didn't hate what I saw in the mirror.  I learned how to love myself, my body, and every single flaw I have ever found over the last 20 years.

The reasons I took a break are because, I genuinely hated it and truly believed that I could keep the weight off.  While the latter is mostly true, I did gain some back, and I am completely okay with it.  I look how I look, and if you don't like it, then don't look at me.  What I realized is that working out helped  me manage my anger, as well as my anxiety, so I decided to give it another go.  If I lose weight, great, if not, that's okay too.  I like who I am.  I liked who I was yesterday, and I will like who I become tomorrow.

Now, it has been over 2 years since I have stepped foot in a gym, because I HATE DOING PHYSICAL ACTIVITIES! I am not exaggerating.  Two. Whole. Years.  I chose the workout station on Pandora and it said "last played January 2014."  I am honestly not surprised in the slightest, because I genuinely hate doing things that can be construed as exercise of any kind.  Running, is the worst.  Climbing stairs, is the worst.  Laying down on the couch watching Netflix, is the best.

When I woke up today, I forced myself to put on my work out clothes.  Naturally, I searched for a long time, because they had gotten themselves shoved into the back of one of my dresser drawers somehow.  I begrudgingly waddled to my car and drove to join the gym.  The whole while thinking, "this is stupid, just get food and go home."  Had I actually eaten, today might have gone a little differently, or it wouldn't have, and I would just have been full whilst being embarrassing.

I nervously walked into the gym to find this really adorable girl at the counter wearing a shirt that said "Cute guys? I thought you said French Fries." So naturally, I knew we would become best friends.  She said hi with a smile, and I was like, "Yeah, okay, she is approachable and cute.  I can do this.  Sisterhood at its finest."

"Hi," I said, "I would like to join your wonderful gym please."  BECAUSE I'M THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ON THE PLANET!
"Oh! That's great,"  She said as she jumped up and down in excitement, "Let me get Andrew for you. He will help you get started."
HUH!??! ANDREW?!?!? OH GOD!! A MAN! I CAN'T DO THIS! ABORT MISSION! ABORT!

Andrew walked up to the desk, looking like a Greek God: bearded, tan, and over 6 feet tall.  He was just a solid wall of sinew and muscle, and I couldn't look him in the eye.

He went over the basics of the gym and I was nervously sweating just standing there.  He then told me he had to take my picture for my membership, and at this point I was profusely sweating and panicking.  I don't do well with "professional" and "important" pictures.  I clam up.  I am basically Chandler Bing.  So, I awkwardly smiled as he took the picture.  Or at least that's what I thought he was doing.  He didn't actually take the picture until I started to walk away thinking he was done.  MY GYM PICTURE IS A BLURRY, OUT OF FOCUS SHOT OF ME SMILING WITH A CLOSED MOUTH AND WHAT APPEARS TO BE 3 CHINS!!!! I know this because I saw it pop up on the computer.  Andrew laughed and I gave up.  I grabbed my purse, wishing I was dead and said bye.

Of course, this wasn't the end of it.  Andrew had to get the last words in, "Rebecca, right?  Well, it was nice meeting you. I better see you in here again."  Of course, my response wasn't to say "Nice to meet you as well, I'm sure I'll be seeing you."  My response was to laugh like some sort of demon possessed goose.  Just a loud honk filled the gym, as I rushed to find the locker rooms.

This isn't where the embarrassment ended.  'Twas only the beginning.

I put my stuff in a locker and proceeded to the gym area.  Now, this locker room was very complex and almost maze-like.  There were twists and turns and cubby holes, and secret closets, and it was all a very daunting experience.  As I was heading into the gym, I turned into, what I thought was the hallway, and it ended up being a little cubby hole with a giant mirror.  I proceeded to slam into it because I was untangling my headphones as I walked, and also BECAUSE IT WAS A FUCKING LABYRINTH AND PROBABLY HOME TO A MINOTAUR AS WELL.  A girl in the locker room gasp and then laughed as I rushed around the corner to, what I prayed, was the exit to the gym.

I headed straight for the treadmills because it was the only thing that I recognized.  Gym equipment has drastically changed in the last four years, I can tell you that much.  I saw people hanging from ropes, and bars, and they all stared at me like I was a piece of meat. 

The first treadmill I got on, was broken.  I found that out after about a minute of pushing buttons with no result. 

The next treadmill worked just fine.  I put it on a high incline but low speed as to get my heart rate up and ease my way into it.  I had a book and my music and I was actually feeling pretty proud of myself.  After reading a few chapters in my book, I decided to set it down and run, for the first time in years.

I lowered the incline, popped up to the speed to a quick jog/low run speed (for me, not for like, normal people that work out all of the time), and proceeded to push myself.

I was in the groove, I could barely breathe, I was sweating, but I thought to myself "I remember this feeling, I hate this, but it's kind of nice."  All was well, until all of the sudden I jerked back and nearly flew off of the treadmill, because I ran too close to the bar that measures your heart rate and MY FAT ASS STOMACH DECIDED TO HIT THE EMERGENCY STOP BUTTON ON THE TREADMILL!  Everyone around me saw it happen, because I of course yelled out "Whoa" like I was trying to reign in a horse.

I almost gave up and left, but I still had 15 minutes left on my cardio time and Mama didn't raise no quitter.  I pushed myself through the embarrassment, and the stares, and finished my session.  After cleaning the machine, I went to this treadclimber thing.  Now, I have never used one, but I am not comfortable with doing any weight lifting yet, solely cardio.  I guess it is an elliptical crossed with a treadmill, and I thought "how hard could this be?"

Let me tell you, very hard.  I was on it for about a minute and a half before it made this screeching noise and stopped.

It was at that point that I said, OUT LOUD, "fuck it, I'm done for the day."

I grabbed my stuff out of the locker room, and rushed out of the gym because if I actually broke the machine, I didn't want them to catch me.  I can barely afford the membership to the gym, let alone the equipment in it.


Rebecca's Adulthood Survival Tip #10:  Working out sucks, but it doesn't have to be boring.  Have fun with it.  Cause a scene.  Also, dancing to the Cupid Shuffle on a treadmill, while very dangerous, is also incredibly fun.