So if you have been following my life lately, you know that I started working out again for the first time in over 2 years. What you may not have realized is that along with exercise, I have also been dieting, because why not torture myself?
Now, if you are lucky enough to have never needed to go on a diet, congratulations. But also, get away from me. I never want to be friends with you. I'm sure you're great, but like, I hate you?
All the rest of you ugly nerds, come sit down and complain with me.
DIETING IS THE FUCKING WORST THING EVER!
Dieting is terrible because there are no loopholes. There's no substitute. You either eat healthy and lose weight, or you don't. You can't have ice cream because it's bad for you. There's no such thing as ice cream that's good for you, and I swear to God if you say, "What about frozen yogurt?" I will stab you in the leg. If frozen yogurt were like ice cream, IT WOULD BE CALLED FUCKING ICE CREAM! When it comes to working out, instead of running a mile, you at the very least can walk 5. Walking is easy. I mean, I still hate it, but I would rather do that, than diet.
The hunger is constant, and I mean constant.
I mean I think about food all of the time anyway, but your desire is heightened when you are going through withdrawal a.k.a. dieting.
ALL I WANT IS A GODDAMN CUPCAKE, BUT INSTEAD OF A CUPCAKE, I GET TO EAT KALE. IN EVERYTHING. KALE IS THE NEW SUPERFOOD AND IT SHOULD TAKE UP 90% OF YOUR DIET.
ENOUGH WITH THE KALE, PEOPLE!
Do you know what kale is? What kale has always been? A mother flipping garnish. It has been used by restaurants for MILLENIA to beautify your plates of steak, chicken, mashed potatoes, waffles, or whatever delicious poison you have decided to ingest. Growing up, I constantly heard, "Don't eat the kale, it's just garnish."
That is a code by which I have lived for 27 years. Until, well, yesterday when I bought the world's largest bag at the grocery store for two bucks. I am not exaggerating, it is bigger than my face. It's no wonder it's always been a garnish, it's cheap enough to purchase and directly throw into the garbage without any significant effect on your budget.
Kale. Ugh, even the word sounds disgusting.
Alas, I am trying something new here. Not new per se, but new-adjacent. I figured that eating Chick-fil-a four times a week, while delicious, probably isn't the best thing for you. So why not try the opposite and be fucking miserable for the next year of my life.
MY GOD, am I ever.
I know that life is too short to be miserable, but it's also the longest thing you will ever do, so shut up inspirational Instagrammers.
It has been 8 days.
I.
Am.
So.
Hungry.
My stomach is growling, in sync, to every tap of the keyboard.
I love eating. Obviously. I mean, who doesn't? I wouldn't be in the situation I'm in, if I didn't. When you are dieting, eating isn't the same, though. You have to eat constantly. While normally this task would render me near catatonic with joy, I am not eating what I would love to be eating. Ya know, cookies, pie, mashed potatoes, hot dogs, CHEESE, etc. :::drools:::
I am eating fruits, vegetables, and plain ass chicken. It's awful. I literally have to measure my food. Seriously. I have to use measuring cups and spoons to make sure that I don't overeat. I am constantly counting calories, out loud. I sound like an insane person. I have to keep a daily food diary to make sure I don't go over my allotted 1200 calories a day. A FOOD DIARY! I don't even keep a normal, every day diary where I write down my thoughts and feelings. Oh. Wait. Yeah, that's what this blog is. Right. Shut up. I'm delirious from the hunger.
I just want to cave and have a cheeseburger with a side of pizza.
Yet, with every day that passes I realize how far I have come and don't want to give up. Willpower is a bitch.
Honestly, the worst of it all though, is having to be at work while dieting.
I work in a restaurant where I spend 100% of my shifts smelling food. That isn't my job title, I'm not a professional food sniffer or anything. I don't even think that career exists. Although, I would probably be amazing at it. If any of you hear of this job becoming mainstream, I'm no hipster. E-mail me the details. Hello, new career path, here I come!
I have to serve food to people which I am unable to eat. I watch them as they drink the alcoholic beverages that I have made for them. I watch them eat piece of bread after piece of bread, wishing for one bite. I have to serve platters of food knowing that, even on my break, I can't enjoy it. I have to eat vegetables, rice, and chicken. That's it, that's my amazing and healthy dinner. Every. Single. Night.
Sometimes, I walk into the kitchen just to stare at the fryer, and I'm consumed with jealousy because it spends all of its time with delicious food inside of it.
Dieting makes me hate eating. Becca loves eating. It is her favorite thing to do, next to trivia games and judging people. Dieting has made me hate that which I once loved. Do any of you know what that's like? That's like, if Jack and Rose survived and made it all the way to New York. Then upon landing, Rose found out she was suffering from sea sickness the entire boat ride, and once on stable land, realized she actually hated Jack. So she dumped him. Food is my Jack, and I'll never let go.
Rebecca's Adulthood Survival Tip #11: Eat. The. God. Damn. Cupcake. Screw. Kale.
No comments:
Post a Comment