Well, all of them, except this twentysomething. I don't date. I don't mean that I am adorkably clumsy on dates, and end up having an array of bad first date stories and a slew of ex-boyfriends. No I mean that I don't ever date therefore I don't have any awkward first date stories. I'm basically like a nun, no that's not right, they are married to Jesus. I'm like someone that willingly spends all of their time alone. A HERMIT! That's the word I was looking for. I knew that if I just kept typing I would get there.
Have I tried it before? Uhhhhh kind of? I'll explain later.
There are a few reasons as to why I don't date, actually. The main one is because I don't want to. Sprinkle in a deep love of being alone, a little cynicism, disgust of doing anything in public, and a disdain for people, marriage, and children, and you got yourself a "Becca."
Everyone always asks me why I don't date, and depending on how I am feeling when I am asked, I give one of three responses.
- I just don't want to. Never have. Never will.
- Why do you want to date?
- Oh that's simple. It's none of your fucking business.
Wrong.
That 100% has nothing to do with my reasons for not dating.
Dating is hard. Dating is messy. Why add unnecessary stress to my already unnecessarily stressed life? I like being on my own. When it comes to dating, you have to pretend to be someone you're not. You have to "hide your crazy" as my girlfriends put it. Especially at the beginning. You have to reel someone in with the fake you, so that by the time they realize who you truly are, they have put too much time and effort in, so they are stuck with you. How romantic is that? You also have to try and convince someone else that you have your shit together just a little bit more than they do so you seem exotic and well-adjusted, and I refuse to lie like that. Newsflash, people, I am none of those things! I am not ashamed. I am an abrasive, dinosaur-loving, book-obsessed whack job who hides their true self for no one.
Not a single fucking person I have ever come into contact with is well-adjusted. We all have issues.
Listen, I have never been ashamed, or afraid, to be the first person to admit they don't know what they are doing with their lives. I say it loudly. I say it proudly. I say it in rhyme. All of the time. I have a magnet on my fridge that has my name written entirely in penises for Christ's sake, so I'm not really at a point where I can be taken seriously.
See? I wasn't kidding.
One time, I had to put together a table, and the directions were solely in Chinese, or Japanese, not quite sure of the difference. And I ended up calling my father, telling him I lost the directions and couldn't do it on my own. Which resulted in me eating potato chips on the couch, watching, while he cursed and fumbled with loose table legs and screws. Hey! He likes being needed. I am only doing him a disservice by not allowing him to help me. I am the most selfless daughter. You're welcome, Tom.
My point is that, I can't even convince myself that I have my shit together. How am I supposed to convince someone else? Why would I even want to? The beauty of life is that no one has it figured out, why pretend just to impress someone that may not be in our lives in a day, a week, a month, or even a year?
The reason I am bringing this up is because my annoyingly beautiful roommate, whom I love to death, doesn't seem to understand why I don't date. She's what one would call a "hopeless romantic." She believes in fairytales. I do too, but I believe in the raw, graphic, and dark fairytales of The Grimm Brothers and Hans Christian Anderson. You know, the ones where the princess ends up almost as bloody as the villains, sometimes worse off. She believes in the watered-down Disney versions. I promise you I am not knocking Disney, at all. I love all things Disney, it's just that in comparison, they are the G-rated movie adaptation of the R-rated book.
She keeps telling me, that I need to try and put myself out there. So recently, I have. For three reasons.
- It's incredibly entertaining watching her get frustrated with me because my opening lines to men are usually puns that only myself and middle-aged dads would enjoy.
- I'm trying to make her see that I am genuinely happy with my decision to be alone, and that not every girl grew up dreaming of being the Damsel in distress waiting for their Knight-in-Shining-Armor to rescue her. Some girls grew up knowing that they were the Knight the whole time.
- I plan on documenting here the embarrassing, awkward, and down right ridiculous encounters I have, and her annoying and never-ending quest to find me love. Woof.
:)
Ps...I predict that this will only end badly.
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